October 13, 2011

Bad Naked


Last night, I spoke to a group of 50 women.

About ten minutes before my talk, I popped into the restroom to check the status of my makeup.

That's when I realized that I wasn't wearing any.

I don't feel like makeup is required for most of life's events. The only two exceptions that I can think of are your wedding day and the 20 minutes in which you are giving a motivational speech about how it's possible to be smart and sexy at the same time.

The case is impossible to make (at least for me) without the assistance of five layers of foundation.

"Ack!" I screeched when I saw my reflection. Before I left the house, I remembered to iron my dress and curl my hair (thanks instructional videos on YouTube!). As I was getting out my makeup, one of my kids distracted me by accidentally dropping a plate on the kitchen floor. Clearly I didn't make it back to the mirror again before I left the house.

Panicked, I rummaged through my purse and prayed for a miracle in the form of an eyeshadow compact or lone wand of mascara. All I found was an old Wal Mart receipt, a travel-sized bottle of hand lotion, and a tube of hot pink lipstick.

So here's what I was thinking at the time: any color is better than no color.

I have since learned that this is a logical fallacy.

While I was rubbing two sticks together so to speak, another woman came into the restroom. "Are you okay?" she asked nervously.

This is an acceptable response to witnessing someone apply lipstick to her eyelids and cheekbones.

"I have a super weird favor to ask," I replied.

The woman looked at me blankly. It was hard for her to imagine things getting any more weird than they already were.

"Do you have anything on you?" I ask. "And if so, can I buy it?"

Here's what was going through my mind in that moment: I have germs and I don't want anyone to loan me their makeup and then be so grossed by out the idea that it's touched someone else's face that they can't bear to use it anymore.

My intent was to be thoughtful.

After saying this, however, I realized that the way I phrased my request made it sound like what I wanted wasn't a dab of blush, but a kilo of cocaine.

The woman exited the bathroom very quickly after that.

In the end, I gave my talk looking like I had gotten sunburned in very strange places.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Here's the crazy thing: I have a sneaking suspicion that I was more aware of my deficiency than anyone else was in the room. In hindsight, I regret the fact that it got the best of me, and made me so self-conscious that I couldn't enjoy the experience.

Sound familiar?

As usual, my husband was a fortress of support. "That's not nearly as bad as the time that you taught an entire class unaware that you had a melted Hershey's kiss stuck on rear end. It looked like you..."

"All right," I interrupted.

"Or the time that you got so animated about a point that you were making in class that you fell into a garbage can."

He could have gone on for hours.

****
Ever forget the obvious? Tell me your stories. Please!

42 comments

Steph said...

So stinkin' funny. Seriously hilarious. Let's see... recently my close friend's husband came over to pick up his son from a play date. I had just eaten some chicken that had been cooked on the grill and had been charred. I ran to get the door and chatted for 5 or so mins. with him, all the while hoping that I didn't have anything in my teeth (small phobia of mine). I told myself to relax (generally there isn't a food-in-teeth situation). So, I kept on chatting. When they left I ran to see if I had been right in telling myself to chill out about the teeth thing. No. I was wrong. Very wrong. I had serious teeth issues. Let's just say there was a lot of char. A lot. I just kept on thinking about how I was laughing it up and chatting away all the while with black char issues. Ahhh, so embarrassing. His wife and I are still great friends....I guess that counts for something...right??

Lainie said...

OK, yeah. How 'bout the more than once that I taught my classes all day with my shirt inside out. Yyyeah.

Donna said...

There was this time I wore two different sandals to the local parade. It was awesome. I felt like I should have been IN the parade, as a clown.

Erin said...

this might be a bit of an overshare, but...

i've been working from home for almost a year now, and i seem to have forgotten that "home alone all day and night" clothes are different from "going out in public" attire. so one hot july day, i had been bumming around my non-air-conditioned house in an old yellow tank top with nothing underneath (ahem), and then decided on a whim to make a quick run to walmart. without checking the mirror. after getting several funny looks, i caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realized that my tank top was almost completely sheer. like, i might as well have just gone topless. it probably would have been less revealing. now i just hope i don't show up on peopleofwalmart.com or something.

Linda L. Zern said...

Just you wait, my friends! I have reached that delightful stage in life when I do not have eyebrows. Apparently, they ran away while I was sleeping, some time in the 1990's, and now I have to draw my eyebrows on with a crayon and pray it doesn't rain--ever. Sigh. My family knows that the worst thing they can do to me is to hold me down and rub my eyebrows off. I celebrate your eyebrows ladies, with or without a really great eyebrow pencil.

Amalie said...

how about the time I thought there was a peanut butter stain on my shirt while I was picking up my car at the mechanic? Let me give you a hint...it wasn't peanut butter.

Linnae said...

Right after we moved in, I went over to the neighbor's for something--the errand escapes me at the moment. Suffice it to say, it was really only the 2nd time we had met. When I got home, I realized that I had dotted concealer on my face (chin, nose, under eyes--all the usual places) and had not rubbed it in. Ack! How did that happen? I was so embarrassed, but in the end just laughed it off. What else can you do, right?
I thought she was giving me some funny looks...

keltiemiller said...

My friend went to church once with out a bra on. She was also speaking that day, oh and her ex boyfriend was in the congragation with his new fiance. I actually peed my pants when she told me the story.

Nancy said...

I came home from a speaking engagement with this killer pain in my lower back. Flopping down on the couch to kick off my heels I realized that I was wearing two different black pumps. One with a much higher heel than the other. Duh.

the emily said...

I cannot stop laughing about falling into a trash can! So funny! How about the time I had a bad cough and had just had a baby and coughed so bad I wet myself a little and then had to teach a lesson in church? That was awesome.

Mal said...

Oh my gosh, I just kept laughing. Your husband sounds like me!

Okay, here's an embarrassing one: when I was 14 we moved somewhere totally new. My family had moved about six months earlier (I stayed to finish school) so when I got there my sister had already made some friends that were between her and my ages so I got an instant invitation to go hot tubbing at a girl's house. I didn't have a swim suit, but she had about four (it was a tropical island) and she leant me an older one. I slipped into it and thought I looked great in it! We spent about 40 minutes in the tub before we all came back inside and her father was in the kitchen (through which we passed). I said, "Hi!" to my new friend's dad and he looked at me briefly before averting his eyes. When we got into the bedroom I saw in the full-length mirror that the swim suit had gotten thin. I couldn't tell when it was dry, but after being in the tub my areolae were obviously visible. Very obviously...

Jennifer said...

That is funny! I only wear eye liner and occasionally mascara. But there are several times that I go out and don't have any makeup on and suddenly realize. My 14 year old daughter always reminds me that I barely wear anything so it doesn't really matter mom. But for some reason I think I look WAY different with my eyeliner.
And by the way... I once was a the movie theater and my 2 year old spilled her Raisinettes on my seat without me knowing. Needless to say I left the theater looking like I Ahem..ed my pants...

Mom of 12 said...

One time we let my sweetie wander all over at a Literary Club Awards Banquet with his pants split all the way up the back. We followed him...very closely! We told him all about it on the way home. He was NOT happy.
Sandy
www.twelvemakesadozen.blogspot.com

Mum on the Run said...

I bet you looked perfectly gorgeous - before the hot pink flush.

At the risk of way TMI - when my son was little and my head was all over the place, I went to the bathroom to attend to feminine needs, if you know what I mean.

Of course, I was interrupted and it wasn't until halfway through Babyswim lessons that I realised I wasn't wearing any 'protection' - I don't mean a swimming cap.
:-)

Christian's Mom said...

How about the time my pants fell down which I was walking through our large and very busy office and I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!

Christian's Mom said...

WHEN I was walking. Darn auto correct!

Kris said...

A former co-worker was leading a training program and went to the ladies' room during the break -- with the wireless microphone still clipped to her suit! Everyone in the training room could hear everything that was happening in the bathroom, and then she had to go back and teach the rest of the program. Much worse than a pink face!

Jesus Chick said...

The first time I left my breast-feeding baby for more than a couple hours was to attend my 10 year class reunion. Mistake. My breasts engorged and leaked through my white blouse. Nice. Nothing so pride-killing than greeting people you haven't talked to in 10 years as they walk into the ladies room to find you drying your ta-ta's under the hand dryer.

Anonymous said...

Right after giving birth to my second son we were having repairs done to our house. I was nursing my son and using nursing pads to catch any leaks. The contractor had to ask me a couple questions about repairs outside so I went out to talk to him. When I came inside I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw the uber obvious huge white circles of the nursing pads right through the white shirt. How embarassing.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I've done:

#1. Bathing suit inside out.
#2. Forgot to bring socks to the gym.
#3. Wore flip flops to work and forgot to bring dress shoes for a meeting.

Or sometimes I would wear this extra large t shirt to the gym, and with my short running shorts on, it looked like I wasn't wearing any pants/shorts Awkward.

HW said...

After eating a powdered sugar pretzel at the mall, I asked my husband "do I have any sugar around my mouth?" He told me that I did not, so I headed into the most upscale store in the mall, to use the ladies room. I walked through shoes, handbags and cosmetics; after using the restroom I stood at the sink washing my hands. This is when I noticed a quarter-sized blob of powdered sugar right on the end of my nose. So I ran-walked right back out to my husband and hissed "when I asked about sugar on my mouth you could have mentioned the big blob on my nose!!!!"

Oh and then there's the time I wore a brand new really cute sweater to church. I had left the size sticker on it - SMALL - right on my left breast. My friend told me not to worry; at least it was truth in advertising.

HW said...

Oh! I have one that we heard at a Marriage Enrichment Seminar. This was NOT me, I promise. A couple was heading to dinner during a weekend getaway. On the elevator ride to the lobby, Husband gets frisky and starts moving the zipper to her dress up and down. (The speaker kept saying "zip zip zip").

A week later, when they were back home, the wife comes home from running errands and sees her husband lying under the car doing repairs. Remembering the hotel "zip zip zip" she reached down and did the same to the fly of his jeans. Then she walked in the house and saw her husband in the kitchen. She had "zip zip zipped" his buddy.....

Lissa @ MyThriftyTreasures said...

I blame Mom brain, or in other words the lack of sleep! When my baby was about 8 months old we had a morning appointment somewhere and I was in a rush to get out the door on time since I HAAATE being late. I had managed to get him up, fed, dressed and ready to go. I had showered, eaten breakfast (a rarity), done my hair and make up. I had the car seat under one arm with my keys in that hand, the other arm had my diaper bag, purse and sunglasses. I reached for the door handle, only to discover I wasn't wearing a shirt! GAH! I'd put my shoes, pants and bra on but the baby had woken up before I'd put on my shirt. I didn't notice at first because I had my G's on. My neighbors could have gotten quite the show!

Danae said...

My daughter clipped a gaudy dress-up necklace to my back belt loop. An hour later, it was still there and I had run to Safeway with it swinging from my rear end.

newpumpkin said...

I proudly made it all the way to a family photo shoot with 2 kids looking cute (and happy), husband ironed and ready (and on time)and me... well too much time at home out of the public eye had evidently gotten me used to a lack of makeup and bedroom shoes. Forever treasured on film people...

newpumpkin said...

Just this week I had a quick turnaround in taking an outfit to the dry cleaners and hitting my son's soccer game. To save time, I did a quick change of clothes in the car before dropping off my suit and tossed on jogging shorts and a tank-top. Only to get to the GRAVEL COVERED PARKING LOT and realized I'd not brought replacement shoes. Looked like a shy hooker out there in short-shorts and red leather heels.

For Family said...

I love black flats. Love them so much in fact, I have multiple pairs of them. I went to work one day with mismatched black flats... I have no clue if anybody else noticed, but I figured if I hadn't up to that point, no one else probably would notice either. I also learned that day that most of society doesn't really pay that close of attention to what I have on my feet. :) To say the least, I never repeated that mistake again.

According to Ana said...

I manage student housing, and just had given birth to my second. One of my male tenants came to the door to ask a few questions. He seemed embarrassed, but I just figured he was shy, after closing the door I caught a reflection of my self in the entryway mirror and noticed Not only had I leaked through the clingy cotton shirt but the wet marks were not parallel,.

douberlyfamily said...

I learned the hard way never to wear anything silky with a backpack with both straps on my shoulders. My backpack made the silky part shimmy up my backside without me knowing and I walked 3 blocks across an urban college campus with my rear partly showing. Nice!

The McKSneds said...

oh my gosh...i can't stop laughing! I need to have my husband read this!

vanilla said...

My beautiful spouse considers a naked face pretty much in the same category as a naked _______ (fill in the blank). I must read this to her, but she's asleep right now. I, too, am a supportive spouse, offering such comforts as, "I'm sure no one else noticed," etc,etc.

Robyn :) said...

I once wore 2 different shoes (same style, different colors) to work. The other day walked out the door to go to church with slippers on.

Loren said...

Years ago I was in the supermarket with my toddler and my baby and noticed that an attractive young man was smiling at me. 'Great!' I thought, 'maybe I don't look so frumpy after all.' It was only after I got home and looked in the mirror, I realized I had half-sucked green gummi candy stuck in my hair.

Jenn said...

I was really proud of myself for getting my pregnant self and my 3 kids(4&under)ready and out the door before 9 am. When I returned home 4 hours later I found that we had forgotten to shut the front door (it was WIDE open), but nothing was missing and no one was inside. Thank heavens!

Anonymous said...

Ok, there was a time when my daughters were having a push-shove fight at the top of the stairs. I told them off right good and proper, pointing out that one of them could get seriously hurt or break their neck.
I turned away to stalk of self-rightiously...forgetting I was on the 3rd step. After I recovered from my fall they looked at each other like, yeah, hey, someone could very well end up with a broken neck here.

Joslin said...

When I used to go to a singles ward I watched an apartment full of girls come in late and walk all the way to the front row to sit as we all watched and waited for them to sit down so the sacrament prayer could be said and one of them was only wearing a bottom slip... no skirt. (and she didn't even have kids to blame!)

Melissa_Jacobson said...

One Sunday morning in high school I was supposed to do a dramatization in front of my church. I woke up late and had to throw on the same jeans from the night before. The skit involved me doing karate and between my high kicks and HI-YA's my underwear went flying out of the pant leg...and onto the pulpit. Needless to say, I never get dressed in that much of a hurry ever again.

Anonymous said...

I was on a plane with my husband and I got my compact mirror out to check something, when I noticed a long nose hair. Now, I had never had a nose hair that long, so I blame it on the fact that I was pregnant and my hair everywhere was growing like crazy. Anyway, I didn't want to get my tweezers out and pluck it right there, so I discretely tucked it back in until I could deal with it. I told my husband and he said, "Yeah I saw it on Tuesday, but I didn't want to embarrass you." (It was now a Saturday). I didn't notice it before because who knows why, and he let me walk around with that long nose hair for 5 days. It hasn't happened again, but I still trim a little just to be safe.

Anonymous said...

I let my daughter fix my hair during a play in the dark theater--lots of tiny clips and ponytails in interesting places. Then I forgot about it and walked around talking to lots of neighbors after the play. Someone even made a comment about my "cute hair" and I didn't realize what she was talkingn about.

Sexy Naptime said...

When I was in HS a group of us did a skit in front of the whole school. There was a shower in the skit and I grabbed an ugly, flowered sheet thinking it looked like a shower curtain. Never checked it before we went on. But there was a huge period stain right in the middle and no it didn't look like a flower.

Courtney said...

I did a monologue in HS at the state competition after I was chosen to participate in the showcase. I performed in this room that had all glass on one side, shared with a busy hallway. Part of my mono involved me lying on the floor on my stomach. I'm not sure how I did it, but my skirt ended up not covering my victoria's secret undies with the little pink dogs all over them. So both the audience and those in the hallway (especially those watching from the hallway) got more of a performance than I had planned on giving...

kristi said...

We were eating at the in laws. And I had to fart. So I didn't want to get up and go to the bathroom because I knew my fart would escape! I clenched my butt cheeks together but it did NOT work. My fart came squealing out rather loud and it was just at the moment the table was quiet. And when someone asked what it was, hubby told them "Oh Kristi just farted." Shoot me now!