November 8, 2011

"What Are We Having for Dinner?"

This question doesn't bother me as long as it isn't followed up with the following statement:

"I hope it isn't {insert whatever meal I happen to be making at the time}."

About a month ago, my older kids turned into super picky eaters. Because saying that they don't like something doesn't earn them much sympathy around these parts, they have devised a new strategy to avoid eating undesirable objects that includes likening me to a carcinogen.

"What's wrong?" I asked at the dinner table tonight. My kids looked at each other knowingly. They all were sitting on their hands and looking like they had just been poisoned.

"Did you touch any of this with your hands?" my daughter asked, gesturing to her bowl of stir-fry.

I shook my head.

"But you breathed on it," Cortlen said.

"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that."

My three year-old, who, thirty minutes earlier, opened the refrigerator and ate his way through half a jar of pickles before I caught him, pushed away his plate too.

"Yucky!" he screamed.

"Great example," I told my older kids.

My daughter suggested that I should cook with a hair net, like the ladies in the school cafeteria.

"And gloves and a mask," Kellen added with a straight face.

Around that time, I started to feel a little bit persecuted. "Everybody out!" I barked and banished them all from the kitchen.

Then I made some brownies.

"I'm going to die of starvation," one of them whined as he watched me take the pan out of the oven.

"You want some?" I asked with a smirk.

Three people nodded like ravenous dogs. Suddenly, my lack of gloves and hairnet wasn't a problem.

"I spit in the batter," I told them as they scarfed up the dessert.

They didn't even acknowledge me.

"I licked all the brownies before I gave them to you," I added.

Nothing.

"I mixed in some of the stir-fry ingredients into the batter," I continued.

Out of all of my confessions, this was the only one that was true. If it worked for Jessica Seinfeld, I figured that it would work in some grotesquely modified form for me.

My kids stopped chewing and eyed the brownies suspiciously.

"It's just a chocolate chip," I said of a protruding mushroom, and smiled.

44 comments

Anonymous said...

Secret's in the sauce!

My Mercurial Nature said...

I despise that question! It always leads to, "What? Can't we have pizza instead?"

The Davis Family said...

Oh my gosh, you crack me up!!

Jenej said...

That's why I answer "Monkey Brains." We have Monkey Brains for dinner every night :)

Mary Julia said...

You are my hero. When I have kids, I'm totally going to do that to them.

Makayla said...

Awesome!

I thought you were going to do something boring, like make them eat their stir fry before they could have a brownie.

Rachel :) said...

O.O Wow!!! That is hilarious!!!

Mum on the Run said...

Time for a blog re-title.
'The Cleverest Mom'.
:-)

Mom of 12 said...

What an awesome idea! I'm so going to try that next time my kids complain.
Sandy

Laurie said...

Cracking up... as usual! Sometimes I ask my daughter what she'd like for dinner and she says, "Anything at all...as long as it's something I like!" That leaves me about 3 options. Ha!

Rocket Ma'am said...

Spaghetti and meatballs is one of few things they will all eat, so I put shredded zucchini and carrots in the meat mix. They think it's awesome because on those nights there's no side veggies and plenty of meatballs for 2nds or 3rds.

Vicky said...

HAHA! This cracked me up! I hate the way they conspire with each other! One will look like they want to eat it until the other shows a 'screwed up face' followed by the infamous 'ewwwwwwww'!!

COMILLERS said...

I hate the question too!!! And every time one asks and I tell them, 5 minutes later the next comes in and asks... I love how you handled it. I'm totally going to do that next time. I often throw things that they don't like in spaghetti.

wifemotherexpletive said...

it is awesome. i never have the hootspah to whip up brownies after the dinnertime though. (i prefer to let them get really hungry and then have to eat the same damn supper, but cold.:)
oh. i just felt a bit mean there.
damnit. maybe veggie brownies are the way to go.

Adgirl said...

You have the most hilarious stories. You should most definitely write a book...

Moonara said...

You are my hero.

Jenn said...

Being a pregnant, tired mom of 3 monsters that are home all day while my husband is gone to school or sitting on the couch studying, I despise that question!

Most the time I try to be pleasant and think of something or ask 'what would you like?' but sometimes it just bursts out "What figuring out breakfast and lunch every freaking day isn't enough?!?"

Luckily my kids are not super picky eaters because my response would be much worse!

Elle Dobs said...
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Leah said...

I laughed out loud while reading this at work! Thanks for sharing :)

Pam said...

Awesome! A little fun-loving retribution is a great thing!

The McKSneds said...

Oh my goodness I wish you would move to Rexburg Idaho...then we could be mean moms together!!! You inspire me!:) I love your stories--You definately are an inspiration to all "real" moms.

Renee said...

That is awesome!! You give me all of the best ideas for when Arya gets older. Thank you!

Mal said...

I'm with WifeMotherExpletive. I might make brownies after dinner, but there's no way on this planet I'm letting my kid have any after she's thrown a fit about supper. Luckily she's usually a great eater--but lately she's decided a whole bunch of things she used to love aren't really that good anymore. Well, too bad, Madie. You'll just have to drink some water and go to bed hungry I guess. By 7 pm she's usually willing to comply.

Amy said...

LOL!!!!! I love you.

Amy M/ said...

I wouldn't have added the stir fry in it, I would have kept it on their plates and made them sit at the table and watch me eat the brownies! "You want a brownie? Well you better hurry up and eat your dinner before I eat them all!"

Now that would truly be 'meanest mom' worthy ;)

Deveny said...

haha, wow. You are WAY too nice; if my kids don't eat their dinner - they'll go hungry the rest of the night. Only took a few times growing up before my brothers & I learned that lesson really quick.

*ashleigh said...

You sneaky mom!

Anonymous said...

You are so nice - I wouldn't have even shared the brownies!! :D

BeckyB.West said...

It is inevitable: Whenever I go to the effort of preparing an actual meal, my girls beg for peanut butter sandwiches. On the evenings I don't plan or cook a meal, they have a hankering for roast, potatoes, and gravy. Go figure.

vanilla said...

Of course it is genetic. Your kids are brilliant. But they do have you outnumbered.

vanilla said...
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vanilla said...
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vanilla said...
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Janine said...

Ha, isn't that the worst? Actually, my husband is the whiny, picky eater. The kids are fine as long as he's not home for dinner. Because of hubby, I've had to create a zillion ways to add secret veggies to EVERYTHING (thank you, Miracle Blender!).

However, I've never done mushrooms in brownies. My hat is off to you!

Munir said...

New moms have so much to look forward to and so much to learn about how to adapt to a new role that it is sometimes hard to live in the present. The new role of Mom comes very easy to some women and not so easy to others, but as moms, we are all being faced with the same challenges and being given the same opportunities to grow.

fossette said...

I made these--my kids had no idea. My husband thought the texture was a little off, but he didn't know why either.

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2008/06/black-bean-brownies-2-pts.html

jeorgee said...

Good for you except I thought you would make them eat the dinner before the brownies. good story.
vivalivie.com

SupermomWannabe said...

Oh...that really gets me when everyone at the table has only negative things to say about the meal I just slaved over (for how long is not the point, right)! And their disgust of a meal is contagious - one kid has it then he passes it around until they're all disgusted! It just disgusts me! ha!

Anti-Supermom said...

Hilarious, I would think my kids would be onto my game once I pull out the food processor though...

Omgirl said...

For reals??? Please tell me this story is true! I want it to be true so badly so I can try this out on my picky kids!

Katie said...

I am laughing hard thinking of every mom in America cooking with a hair net! Your kids are hilarious :)

Dre @ no frills said...

That is so funny! I try to sneak vegies in wherever I can too!

cooking like a frugalite said...

I just found your blog as I'm looking for some new blogs for my list. I was already liking the blog, but this post sent you over the top. This is hilarious!!!

Maybe because my kids do the same thing!

Caffeinated Momma said...

lol your post cracked me up!! In my house, they don't yet ask what's for dinner, but my 4 year old feels the only supper worth eating is yellow macaroni and cheese (I made the mistake of feeding him the boxed stuff lol). I am mean though because I tell them they have to eat at least one bite and then if they don't like they don't have to eat it but they won't get anything else to eat either :P They've yet to starve (although they will convince you if they don't eat every 2 hours that they are in fact starving)