November 5, 2011

The Waffle Man


Just when I thought that my weekend was going to be blissfully uneventful, a man stuffed something down his pants at Super Walmart.

I came upon the man when I rounded the corner of the frozen food aisle. Even though the store was crawling with people, he was startled to see me. This was most likely because he was in the process of depositing a box of frozen waffles down the front of his sweatpants.

"Uh," I stuttered in the moment that our eyes locked. Having lost my words, all I could do was point to his crotch.

The man, who also had a black fanny pack slung over one shoulder, scurried away. His gait was about as normal as could be expected for someone who was balancing the equivalent of a shoebox on top of his genitals.

I grabbed the first store employee I could find, who happened to be a produce clerk.

"There's a man with waffles in his pants running around your store!" I shrieked.

The produce clerk looked disinterested at best.

It wasn't until after my son verified my story that the man called for reinforcements.

Out of nowhere, a group of plain-clothed men who had biceps the size of tanks converged upon us. "Where is he?" they growled.

I gestured to the baking aisle.

Thirty seconds later, the group returned with a man who had a mass in the shape of large rectangle bulging from his pants.

Upon closer examination, it became strikingly evident that the man was not playing with a full deck.

I felt bad for the guy, but not bad enough to give into my son's request to put a couple of boxes of Eggos into my shopping cart.

I'm steering clear of frozen breakfast foods for awhile.

33 comments

the emily said...

My wallet got stolen out of my diaper bag a few months ago at Walmart. My son saw it happen but I didn't so I couldn't chase her down and the employees did nothing. Where were the biceps when it was really important??!

My Mercurial Nature said...

Oh, that made me laugh! I'm feeling a little less like buying any frozen waffles now...

Brittany Hoggard said...

Hahaha I always know I'm in for a laugh when I come to your blog.





www.ohbugsandbows.blogspot.com

Mom of 12 said...

We watched a couple walk right out of a WalMart last Christmas season with a whole cart full of toys. When I said something to the clerk (it was in the garden center) she shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's not my problem." I guess you have to talk to the right people...she didn't have much by way of biceps.
Sandy
www.twelvemakesadozen.blogspot.com

Emily Heizer Photography said...

There are two grocery stores by me, one is a Safeway, and one is a Raley's. I usually shop at Raley's, but occasionally find myself in Safeway. Three separate times I have walked into that Safeway and watched someone shoplift. THREE TIMES. It's a nice neighborhood, the store is super nice, I have NO IDEA why it keeps happening or why *I* happen to witness it each time!

One time I watched this guy screech into the parking lot, slam into a handcapped space (without a handicap plate or sticker or card) and stumble into the store. He was totally drunk. I said something to him about he needed to move his car, HE said he'd just be quick! I called my friend who owns a security company about him as I walked into the store and they said they'd send a patrol car over within 5 minutes, and as I stood there, I watched drunk guy stumble into the alcohol aisle, rumage around and stumble out with a 24 pack of beer, and walk out the door! OH. MY. GAWD!

Another time, I watched this girl, wearing NOTHING BUT A BIKINI and HIGH HEELS walk in, pick up a salad from the deli counter and walk right back out again! I stood there with my shopping cart, blinking, going... Did that just happen? First, did she seriously just walk in here at 10pm at night naked except for a bikini? AND six inch HEELS? And then she shoplifted a salad? She walked right past an employee too!

CRAZY!

I know most stores have a policy that their employees are explicitly told NOT to chase or get involved with shoplifters because they can get harmed and it opens the store up to a lawsuit from the employee. So instead, if an employee chases down a shoplifter, the employee can potentially get fired. Security is left to security personnel.

Lisa said...

Your life is so exciting. No one ever stuffs waffles down their pants in front of me.

MissMel said...

I'm having frozen waffles tomorrow....you're too much.

Anna said...

You live a charmed life! All of these gems of anecdotes just throw themselves at you. :)

BeckyB.West said...

I will never look at Eggo waffles the same way again. I just laughed so hard that I woke up my baby. Thanks for the chuckle! (How DO you find these people?)

Anonymous said...

I have no problem letting go of those Eggo's. Yuck!

Anonymous said...

CRAP! I just bought two boxes of Eggo Waffles today and I'm too cheap to throw them out. I guess my sons will be happy as they will not have to share with me.
Debra

Erin said...

I used to be a retail manager- not in a grocery store, but in a mall. We were always trained that if we saw someone shoplift, we couldn't accuse them of anything unless we could identify the specific item they had, where they put it, and watch them walk out the door with it. It was a gift store in the Mall of America... we had thousands of tiny, pocket-sized items, and once someone walked out the door they virtually disappeared. We had one "customer" who came in regularly, every Saturday, and ALWAYS took something, but none of us could ever identify what it was... until one day when one of the employees was lucky enough to catch him stuffing a wallet into his sock, and then walk out the door with a rectangular lump on his ankle. We followed him across the hallway into Sharper Image while another employee called security- who then said they couldn't do anything! All we could do at that point was warn the Sharper Image employees to keep an eye on him, and their merchandise.

I always wonder how people can have the nerve to shoplift. Not that I ever would, but I know with my luck, the second I tried it I'd get caught!

Bossy said...

When I got trained for my new job we were also trained by the local police to identify drugs and paraphernalia. They have the statistic that every time you go to Walmart a drug deal happens somewhere in front of you and you don't know it. I treat every trip to Walmart like an episode of COPS. You never know what will happen.

Kira

Meg said...

Is it weird that I really want waffles for breakfast now?? I mean, not the ones from that guys pants or anything...
Typical day at Walmart in my opinion.

eliana23 said...

Adventures in grocery shopping!

Vaso said...

And that's the reason why I don't shop at Walmart....

Sheila said...

Yes, you can bet they put them back in the freezer...ugh!

talentedgirl said...

In high school I worked at a grocery store, one evening on the security monitors, my coworker and I watched a man stick a package of Oreo cookies down his pants. While I went to get the manager he went down another aisle took them out and put them back. I still won't buy Oreos from that store anymore and that man is now an elected town official.

Deputy's Wife said...

When I worked at the local grocery store as a cashier in High School, we couldn't do anything about shoplifters, either. However, there were a few "customers" that always did it and we recognized them. Once they came in the store, the customer service manager would get on the loud speaker and say, "Scan Zone 23" or whatever number was on the top of their head. The part that cracked me up? There were no "zones" and nobody moved to scan anything!

Deputy's Wife said...

Oh! And the one chick customer always stole meat...and shoved it in her pants. Every time she walked in, I'd ask my fellow employee, "I wonder how much meat she wants in her pants THIS time!" HAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

he pulled his waistband open, put a box down in front of his , ahh , "junk", and a child saw? that could result in more than petty theft--urinating in public , even when no1 is around makes you a level 1 sex offender these days. he could be in a LOT of trouble. and, I can't help think it has a new meaning to leggo of my eggo!

Anonymous said...

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- "Wal-Mart is moving away from what it called a zero-tolerance policy on prosecuting shoplifters and will now only prosecute anyone caught taking merchandise worth $25 or more, according to a published report...
The change will answer complaints of small-town police departments who have protested the previous zero-tolerance policy. At some stores police were making up to six arrests a day; some departments had to hire extra officers just to handle the Wal-Mart arrests."

michelle said...

You are too funny!! The things that happen to you and around you are incredible!!! Thank you for my laugh for the day

Dale said...

If someone is stealing frozen waffles, does is not scream HUNGER to anyone but me?? Perhaps we could be kinder, gentler and more understanding and offer to pay for the waffles. Stealing food should be looked upon as an act of desperation. Be thankful for what YOU have.

Anne said...

Hahah, this was hilarious. I don't know what I would do myself if I were in your situation. I would be too stunned. :)

I was wondering if you’d be interested in sharing your articles with other like-minded parent bloggers? If yes, please email me at info@atomicreach.com with Parents in the subject line.

Thanks,
Anne

Molly @thewaffler said...

LOL! Thanks for getting my Monday off to a good start with this story (and BTW, my blog is called The Waffler, but it has NO connection to frozen waffles :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe he was hungry and didn't have any money. People who shoplift food typically aren't doing it for kicks.

MaryssaGC said...

Such interesting situations you get yourself into!

Anna said...

Nope, sorry @Dale and @Anonymous but I don't see it that way. There are food banks for people who need food. I'd like know just at what point thievery became an acceptable and excusable crime. If one genuinely needs help there are plenty of people who help and are willing to help. People who steal usually suffer from problems other than hunger, simply kleptomania in most cases.

Breezi@ Not Your Average Fairytale said...

So that's how waffle's are supposed to get toasty.....

Hum. Makes since to me.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the other anonymous - if you're stealing frozen waffles and putting them down your pants, you don't then deserved to be humiliated further

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Alright, the bleeding heart in me has to comment - you mentioned the lack of a full deck ... someone I know and love is dealing with early-onset dementia ... this person has a doctorate degree from a fine school ...however, given the current mental state, if left to their own devices in a grocery store, waffles down the pants are not out of the question. While it would still be funny (of course), it also would be sad ... so, my 2 cents. Laughing, but feel guilty about it ... As for bikini/heel girl mentioned in the comments, however, she deserves to be prosecuted. No excuse for her.