December 26, 2011
Holy and Unholy Instruments
Christmas is a special time of year for lots of reasons, the least of which is that it provides people with a legitimate reason to dig out the musical instruments that they haven't touched since middle school and play them at church.
Not everyone who played in their 6th grade band, however, is eligible to play their instrument in such a hallowed venue. Based on my observations, only those who had the foresight to take up holy instruments are granted this special privilege.
List of Holy Instruments:
1. Harp. The instrument of angels is always welcome in the house of the Lord.
2. Flute. This is the second most holy instrument, based simply on the fact that it is played almost exclusively by prepubescent girls.
3. Oboe. Despite connotations with Kenny G, this instrument still makes the list because it looks like a vertical flute.
List of Unholy Instruments:
1. Drums. Any instrument that is integral to a rock band is inherently unholy.
2. Guitar. See above.
3. Trumpet, trombone, saxophone. Any instrument that is typically played by men, or makes sounds loud enough to drown out holy instruments such as the flute is always unholy.
List of Holy Instruments That Should Be Unholy Instruments:
1. Recorders. If you have a third grader, you know what I'm talking about.
2. People who were members of a show choir during college.