January 28, 2009

Bad Words


My kids LOVE to say "bad" words...without really saying them. Their favorite and recently only topic of conversation is our family's forbidden vocabulary.

"We don't say 'jerk' around here...right?" asked Kellen on the way to Wal-Mart.
I confirmed for the tenth time in two hours that 'jerk' was on our no-no list.

"'Stupid' is also not a nice thing to call someone," added Cortlen.

"Neither is 'whatever major loser,'" said Camber.

I reminded them that anyone who said any of these things "for real" would earn a free meal at Taco Tim's, an in-house chili pepper bar.

Just thinking about the jar of jalapeƱos in the refrigerator caused Cortlen to claw at his tongue.

"I am definitely never going to call you a poop face," he said in my direction.

The entire back seat erupted in raucous laughter.

Taco Tim's complete collection of spicy condiments spent the rest of the day giving off threatening stares from the kitchen counter.

51 comments

Nancy B said...

Really. You ought to be teaching seminars. I'd be on the front row taking notes.

Anita said...

Too funny! I have to admit, once when Adrienne was about 6 or so,she said something, and nearly 10 years later I can't even remember what offensive word she said, and I put a bar of soap in her mouth, not for long, like I barely got it in, wrestling with her. I later regretted it, she stopped that language.
It's much harder now, with 2 teens and an 11 year old, he picks up their talk and I want to pull my hair out.....maybe I need to by some habaneros!

Jen said...

Too funny! My lil brother always used to say "beaver built a DAM-N" just so Mom wouldn't yell.
She would give him a stearn look though.

MiniCircus said...

My 8 year old liked to tell on other kids in his second grade class, in front of the room like "Uummmm, Joey said sh*t" even though the kid really didn't say it, just to be able to say the word in front of the class. Nothing that a teaspoon of Tabasco sauce didn't cure!!

The Mommy said...

You.are.brilliant! My kids seem to have given up on the forbidden words for now, but surely it will rear its ugly head again soon! Thanks!

Steph said...

Once we were at another family's house, and the mom and I were having some adult conversation. We had little kids and were desperate. Then one of my little ones ran into the kitchen and said, "Mom, J just used the "SH" word!"

I was mortified. I hardly knew this homeschool mom. I didn't know where my child had heard the "SH" word!

Turned out I didn't need to be mortified. In my little one's world, the "SH" word was "SHUT UP".

Whew!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

It is obvious that your children and mine are the same age and have the same sense of humor. And at our house, the threat of pepper on the tongue holds "profanity" at bay.

Gina said...

Hilarious. It should be interesting to see what my son says in a few years, considering he already occasionally lets a dahm-it slip and he's not even two.

Holly said...

When my middle child was 2 I was going through a GD it stage. She picked up on it and I thought it was hilarious (somehow between 2 and 6 it gets UN-funny).

My husband talked her out of saying it anymore and then one night she wacked her head. She was being so brave and trying to not cry. I asked her if she needed to say "it". I got a whimpery "mmmm hmmmm". I gave the okay, she said it, and all tears vanished. ah, teaching my kids to swear only to un-teach them!

Maria said...

I will risk flaming, but my husband came up with a plan to take all the fun out of forbidden words by making them not forbidden. Of course, they have a time and place. All three of my girls are allowed to say any naughty word they want to when they are in their beds at bedtime. They know they are allowed to say as many as they want then. It has sort of takes the fun out of it, and takes away the power of those words. I thought he was crazy to let them use those words, but it has really worked and they are horrified if one of us slips and says "bedtime word." Even my two and a half year old will say, "Mommy, don't say that word. You not in you bed!" It my not be the plan for everyone, but it worked great for us.

The Eadle Family said...

lol, that's disgusting, but hilarious!

anna said...

Ok, Now that is a classic! Where were you when I was raising mine? She used to come home from school to tell me all the "bad words" other kids were saying that day! This would have been GREAT! Love your blog!

Annette Lyon said...

Kids tend to be WAY too smart for their own good.

wannabee free said...

that is too funny. We use hot sauce for everything from yelling, spitting,talking back etc. We have even set a jar on the dresser at bedtime to avoid bad behavior. ha ha!

sticky said...

Hell, er...heck I wouldn't ever call you a poop face either!!

That made me laugh out loud...did you laugh when he said it? Thats my biggest preoblem - its all so damned funny...Hey, dont wave that bottle at me!

Jana said...

I know it's just a matter of time until they come home saying "real" bad words. Ugh.

pfabulouspfun-der said...

In my sister's ward, the stake pres. daughter got up in f&t meeting. She said that her family had been so much happier since they stoped saying the "f" and "s" words. The stake pres. got up later and clearified that the "f" and "s" words were fart and shut-up.

Crystal said...

That is just fantastic lol.. Kaila will say one every now and then and she says oops sorry immediately after I give her the glare. Usually she is using it in the right way though at least lol.

Untypically Jia said...

LOL! Wow, smart kids! How come I never thought of something so genius when I was little?

togetherforgood said...

Oh my gosh. This cracks me up.

In my house it's called mouth medicine. When our mouths are naughty, we have to take medicine to make them sweet again. One kid gets vinegar and the other kid (who swears that vinegar is YUMMY) gets hot sauce.

Works beautifully for bad words, whining, talking back, etc. Love it.

Janille said...

Our oldest boy is the only one who has had a problem with this (thank you neighbor boys) but when he was about 6 we implemented the punishment that he had to brush his teeth with liquid soap if he says a forbidden word. Our rule is, the kid can tell us the word once, to see if its a bad word or not, then, if it is bad, they cannot say it again unless they want special teeth brushing experiences.

Triplets + 3 ~ In Real Life ~ said...

LMAO! (just in case a$$ is on the list too )

Too bad my teenagers love Taco Tim's :)

Lydia said...

About a year ago, I was driving and drinking hot chocolate at the same time. Certainly not a great combination, but what can I say? I dropped the hot chocolate in my lap and screamed "Oh SH#$!!!" My three year old promptly began a four minute lecture about not using this vile word. "Mom! You can't say #@%^! @#$^ is a bad word. If you say @%$&, dad is going to put dog @%$# in your mouth. (sidenote: this has never been a threat used in my house, I have no idea where that came from) I don't like to hear you say words like @^$#! So, don't say @^%$. @*%# is a bad word!"

I couldn't stop him, I was trying to not let him see that I was laughing. I am not kidding, he probably said it 15 times. I was just thankful we were in the confines of our vehicle and not on the second row at church. Believe me that has happened too.

emily said...

My kids do this too, it makes me crazy! When we were kids and got caught saying "pee" we would scream "I meant the letter P! I meant the letter P!" right before my mom put pepper on our tongues. Ouch.

Michelle said...

My favorite phrase to use in a pinch is "Got dandruff and some of it itches." Try it fast through clenched teeth!

Liz said...

Ha.. Love the pepper threats! Hysterical.

I have quite the potty mouth myself.. so to avoid slip ups in front of the kids I resorted to saying things like "Cheese & Crackers" (which drives my husband nuts!) and "Christmas".. which probably isn't such a good one to use... cause I'll be driving and someone will do something stupid and I'll say "Christmas!" and my kids always reply it's not Christmas Mommy! LOL

Jaime Theler said...

So true!! My favorite version is when they say "so-and-so said it" which is quickly followed by, but we don't, right?

Yeah, you just got in a freebie no-no word. We all know it.

Tattooed-Midget-Freak said...

The accidental bad words are the funniest. For example, our youngest said, "Look Mommy, I'm a bridge!" It did not sound like bridge at all. We still giggle over that quite often.

Luckily the most offensive thing any of our kids have said lately is fart. I'll take it over some of the language I hear the 10 year-old neighbor boys yelling.

ecuakim said...

LOL. When my bro was little, he was pretending to chug a bottle of hot sauce and the lid came off in his mouth, along with a big gulp of fire. The very next day my mom bought a bottle to put in our fridge and he was miraculously cured of his "bad words" habit. Thanks for bringing back the memory!

The Katzmar's said...

Hi Jana, I am stalking your blog again. It is just so good I can't resist. When we babysit our 3 year old granddaughter she gets to use all the forbidden words, like shut up, stupid, poopy, puke etc. by telling us that her doll just said a bad word. She then tell us the bad word and says that we need to put her doll on a time out. She really loves putting those dolls on a time out.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Thank you. Now I know I'm not the only one who treats one brother calling the other "stupid baby" with a dash of tabasco. Thank you.

Marla Taviano said...

Oh my word. That is hilarious.

the stone fam:) said...

hi the meanest mom i love this post you just made my day we use a spray bottle and we put tobassco water in it and spray it in their mouths it works wonders!! i love you and all of your posts i recently posted a story on my blog and i would love for you to read it i dont know why you but i have been reading your blog for months now and for some reason i thought of you!! so if you get time i would love for you to read it my blog is stonesinabasket.blogspot.com

Robin said...

Don't worry Jana, you are SOOOO NOT a "Poop Face"! LOL!

Nikki said...

Oh freebie no-no words, we have all experienced this. But your story reminded me of when my little girl was learning how to say "truck." We lived in ATL at the time, and of course, to get anywhere you had to drive on the highway with all the big trucks. Everyday, I would hear this sweet innocent voice, full of excitement, "Look Mommy, a F**K,oooh mommy a big F**K, and mommy I see a firef**k" to this day I still laugh!!

And, a little tobasco sauce goes a long way with biters!!

Becky said...

My boys and husband were playing a game of Monopoly one night and I heard the oldest (he was probably 7 or 8 at the time) say, "Oh, Sh*!" My husband then turned to him and asked, "Did you just say s#@!?" My son replied, "Yes, Dad, I said s*#@!" "Where did you learn that word?"
"Grandpa uses it all the time!"

Ha Ha. I about died laughing in the other room. I sooo wish I had it recorded!

Liquid soap seems to do the trick in our house. However, tabasco is my back up and they know it!

Leslie said...

Hilarious... I am going to open up a franchise of Taco Tim's in my house too! Thanks!

Babs said...

Soo funny! I love it.

my 2 yr old must get reprimanded a lot in daycare because he tells me "oh mom, we say 'Oh Barn-it! or Oh Rats!"

but recently he has an imaginary pet lizard he loves to call "frickie" then looks at me out of the corner of his eye and giggles as though it is a potty word.

my nephew used to have to say Beavis and the other guy.

farmerswife17 said...

Jana, you are sick and wrong! And that is what I love so much about your blogs. I have been very lucky to have a daughter who is good about not saying bad words. She is the one correcting me when I say the utimate words d*mn and h*ll. I love your ideas, I will need to file this one away for the younger ones. (My daughter is 13 1/2 and I have a 19 month old and one on the way! Thanks for your sense of humor. You are a great example that parenting doesn't have to be boring!

Niki said...

An excellent alternative to "the dreaded soap"...non toxic and multi-purposed!

The Mad White Woman said...

That is just priceless! I love it. I think I'll implement that for your set of bad words in this household too! Might hold off on the bickering that goes on between Demon 1 and Demon 2!!!

LaRae said...

Some kids love to get exasperating reactions from their mom so do your best not to react to their adverse behavior. The goal is to “Keep Cool”! Keep trying different unpleasantries, and you will find one that will work for your child. Remember what works for one child, may not work for another which makes being mom very interesting. Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

you are f ing a holes seriously not only can a habenero teach a lesson but in some cases the acids can cause 3rd degree stomach burnsss! do some researh

Anonymous said...

My (adopted) Dad was my disciplinarian and the only time i swore (i didn't know it was swearing) he put me over his lap and smacked my bare bottom, after that (with red handprints on my poor bottom) he took me to the kitchen and made me swallow a teaspoon a Tabasco sauce. I NEVER did it again, worked like a charm and really put me in my place!!.

Anonymous said...

I am BIG fan of Tabasco sauce and it is used for a lot of things in our house, as Wannabe Free said we also keep some on the bedside table too. Once my Daughter was answering back with her friends there, i had warned her but it carried on, she was just laughing when i forced a good spoonfull of TABASCO into her mouth! and made her swallow-INSTANT cure!. She was no longer the little Madam!. HA ha!.

Anonymous said...

LOVE IT!!, i always think embarrassment is a good tool, any other Mum's agree?, any other stories?. When my 3 played up i gave them all a good wash out with some nice soap infront of our guests....loved seeing their faces as red as tomatoes..i am SO mean!.

Anonymous said...

This brings back memories, i remember my Mum giving me my punishments infront of everyone in the school playground. I had been naughty that morning and she had it planned. She put a whold bar of soap into my mouth them shouted "stick your bottom out"!, i did and she spanked it BARE infront of them all. My face was SO red i had puffed out cheeks and bare bottom stuck out. It was a good lesson though as i NEVER did it again! WELL DONE to all the Mums! who use hot sauce and soap they REALLY do work so keep at it!.

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Anonymous said...

There's a reason that "hot saucing" your kid is illegal in the state of Virginia. The lining of childrens' mouths aren't developed fully. Dentists were seeing too many mouth burns. This is really sick and abusive. You can rationalize all you want with, "Well, my mom did it to me and I turned out fine" However, anyone that engages in this behavior did not turn out fine. You turned into a mother lacking common sense.