February 3, 2009

The Shampoo Whisperer


Some people commune with God; others converse with shampoo bottles.

Last night, I overheard a disturbing conversation coming from the bathroom where my five year-old son was taking a bath.

Just a minute," Kellen said. "I'm going to get you out of there."

I pulled back the shower curtain just as the last drops of a fifteen-ounce bottle of V05 made their way into the bathwater.

"Why would you do that?" I asked my son, pointing to the empty bottle.

"Because it told me to," replied the shampoo whisperer matter-of-factly.

The hair products in my house must be very persuasive in their pleas for assistance because my kids routinely go to great lengths--to the point of risking life and limb--to free the contents of newly purchased bottles of shampoo and conditioner from their cramped quarters. Over the weekend, a large bottle of Garnier Fructis was rescued from the top shelf of my bathroom closet in a death-defying feat that involved a Spiderman costume, three stacked step-stools, and a baseball bat. Before liberating the bottle's inhabitants and washing them down the drain, my son the freedom fighter took a moment to bask in the glory of his impressive accomplishment.

I interrupted the press conference with a firm warning.

"If you waste any more shampoo," I told him, "Then you are not going to be able to take a bath by yourself anymore. I'm going to have to sit in here and watch you."

After thinking about what I said for a few minutes, I regained perspective of the situation and changed my mind. After all, my ultimatum punished me way more than it did my son.
***
Have YOU ever gone to squirt some shampoo on your head only to be doused with freezing cold water instead? Let's hear it.

44 comments

Liz said...

Ours is always toothpaste.. I think it's partly my fault, b/c my four yr. old still doesn't brush his teeth good enough... so I tell him he needs to make bubbles before spitting.
So when the tube of toothpaste squirts out nothing but bubbles (due to him filling it with water) He very proudly tells me he's brushing his teeth with bubbles! ;)

April said...

my mom used to make us buy our own shampoo!

Lynn said...

Oh, how I can relate! My son has gotten a brand-new bottle of shampoo out of the drawer and washed it away in one bath....maybe I should buy some stock...I think we are enough to keep the company going! :)

wannabee free said...

my darlings dumped a whole bottle of bubble bath on the carpet. lovely. the more water we added, you guessed it, the more bubbles it produced. We were washing that stuff out of the brand new carpet for days and the carpet never recovered... sigh.
my favorite is when my 2 yr old gets into my lipstick. Twist the tube up and a mangled blob of colored gunk falls off onto the floor. That's the only one I have, so I keep putting it back in the tube and trying to smear it on my lips.

Anita said...

My teen girls don't pour it down the drain, but they use way too much, iMO. They are constantly out and don't tell me.......like when I am on my frequent trips to Target, noooooooooooooo, they wait until it's 9 or 10pm and they are out and freaking! sorry, my own little tirade.

Shosh said...

i read on someone's blog once...cant remember who...that her son peed in her shampoo bottle....

Shosh said...

oh....and once my kids emptied an entire bottle of shampoo on my living room floor. but not in just one pile. in little pools all over the house, which i couldnt see because shampoo is clear. i had to find them by crawling around on my hands and knees. it was the first day of summer vacation. i was 8 months pregnant. i came downstairs, promptly slipped on a pool of shampoo, and started counting down the days until school started again. oh and it is really NOT easy to clean shampoo up off the floor. water doesnt work. its like that curious george book....

Beth said...

This post makes me laugh because I totally did this when I was a kid. To make matters worse my parents were missionaries in Nigeria and my mom had to haul special shampoo across the ocean for us to use. Anyway, I can cleary remember using that shampoo as "bodywash". I knew my mom wouldn't have been happy if she'd known but boy I sure did love washing with that stuff! Way more fun than a bar of soap. :)

Renny said...

Sooo many times! My little brother went through this phase shortly after my mother allowed him to start bathing himself without any supervision. I'm not sure he is a Shampoo Whisperer, I think it was part of whatever bathtub game he was engaging in. And this movie is probably beneath you, but the first thing I thought of when I saw the title of this post was Billy Madison. "Shampoo is better..." yeah, I know, incredibly stupid movie, but part of my childhood just the same.

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

I have a shampoo whisperer, too. She's also a toothpaste whisperer, a mascara whisperer, an eyeliner whisperer, a syrup whisperer...you get the point. If it makes a mess, or is wasteful, she dumps it. I can't tell you how many times she has not gotten allowance because she was buying shampoo, etc. My solution with the shampoo was to buy one of those huge tubs at SamsClub that has the pump on it, and use packaging tape to tape it closed so she couldn't screw the pump off of it. She still pumped it out all the time, but it was an ounce at a time instead of a gallon and one of her sisters usually had time to tattle on her before it was empty. Finally around the last year(she turns ten tomorrow) I think she has grown out of it, though. I realize this makes you want to jump for joy and buy yourself a recliner for the bathroom. Sorry. (This novel brought to you by Garnier.)

Candice said...

Oooooh I can do one WAY better than that, Jen. My son actually wizzed in my bottle of conditioner! When I say whizzed, what I actually mean is that he URINATED in it. Unfortunately I didn't find out until I had already doused my head in it.

Read all about it here.

http://candiceandco.blogspot.com/2008/08/june-1-2008-another-kid-blog-this-time.html

Candice said...

Ha! I just noticed that Sosh is referring to my blog.

Candice said...

Ha! I just noticed that Sosh is referring to my blog.

Charlotte said...

I've nearly given up on buying shampoo. I wonder if I could just rub their heads with Downy sheets to keep the smell at bay and then douse their hair in vinegar once a month? I wish I could.

Rocket Ma'am said...

LOL- my kids talk to inanimate objects, too! I'm uber-careful with the 'poo, but we use liquid baby soap for just about everything (besides hair) and I did dump a cold bottle of water on the baby once. I started charging the older kids fees for wasted products, and that helped.

susan said...

My little princess make "experiments" with any and all liquid stuff they can get their little hands on. Like all of you I go thru more hand soap/bubble bath/shampoo and conditioner that way.
I remove all said products from around the bath tub after they are finished which helps some.
I also do "goofy" things like give them their own bottle of shampoo and/or bubble baths for their birthdays. Amazing how possesive they get when its THEIR OWN BOTTLE.

As My grandma was very fond of saying "this too shall pass"

InkMom said...

Better cold water than red Kool-Aid powder. I'm just sayin'.

Angie Larkin said...

"Risk life and limb to empty the bottles"...so true! I happened upon your blog and laughed. The other day my 4 yr old was crying before I even caught her! She knew she shouldn't! But there is some cosmic power that draws them to do it...I never knew what it was...but now I do. It's the shampoo whisperer.

cndymkr / jean said...

My son would make secret potions with any and all bathroom products. You never knew what was going to come out of the bottles. After a while I just bought him "special" containers and told him to leave my stuff alone. It worked. It's just a phase and next week your son will move onto something else.

jenj22 said...

isn't funny how only 5 year olds hear the cry of shampoo and conditioner bottles. I have this conversation with my 5 year old nightly. I glad to hear I'm not the only one with a Shampoo whisperer

Likes Chocolate said...

My kids do the same thing too, now I buy dollar store Shampoo!!! Then it doesn't hurt so much when they empty out a bottle. I have even tried hiding the bottles, but they seem to find them. In their opinions more is better.

Anonymous said...

lol... the funniest was my friend who said she couldn't figure out why her hair would go flat every day even though she pumped it up and coated it with hairspray (this was the early 90's... hair was big)
then one day she peeks in and sees her son putting water in the hairspray bottle... HAHA... he said he only used half, and replaced it with water... no wonder the flat hair! hairspray whisperer....

Hagan Wagon said...

I didn't realize our shampoo, conditioner, and baby soap had been mysteriously disappearing because my husband and I alternate who gives baths. I picked up the conditioner one night and thought, "didn't we just buy a new bottle?" And you know it's the stuff that keeps them from screaming when you comb out their hair, so sanity-wise, it's a necessity. My epiphany came when I walked into the bathroom 30 minutes into a bath to find a tub and child full of bubbles. And an empty bottle of mentholated baby bath. At least her sinuses were clear... All pourable liquids are now stored in locked cabinets.

Tim, Susan, Joy, Molly, Jillian, and Ella said...

I realize I have 4 girls (not including myself) and we do use a lot of shampoo and conditioner, but yes, I'm ALWAYS buying more. Never sure where it ends up (or who eats the coconut-y goodness...)

The Wixom Zoo said...

Yep. My 4 year old can't resist a brand new bottle of Johnson & Johnson's.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

It's the baby wash that has a mysteriously brief life span at our house. Now that we're doing the allowance thing, I make them buy something they wasted the next time we go to the store. I even made my six year old buy his own pair of jeans ($5 on clearance) when he demanded I wash him some for school the next day. He had been throwing them all in the dirty clothes after one wear only, which I've hounded on him about for months. Can I get a Meanest Mom apprentice title?

Nancy B said...

Ah, yes. I should have considered that the shampoo bottles were actually egging my daughter on. I am wondering what masochistic chants the carved-up soap bars are uttering to her...

Momlissa said...

Garnier Fructis - you slay me...:)

Christine said...

Not only does my daughter pour out shampoo... she pours out anything in a liquid form. I recently bought a new bottle of make-up and found the contents covering her sink, floor, and toilet. I fussed at her about it and later that night bought more. While I was in shower the next day she got ahold of the new bottle of make-up and managed to pour every drop out on the carpet in front of the tv and finger paint with it on the tv. But what I find funny about reading this article today was that when I was about to run her bath water I saw empty tub of bath salts,fingernail polish remover and perfume on the toilet. Yep as you guess it was all over floor and tub!

Elizabeth said...

Oh my gosh! That is so my son's favorite thing to do!!!! It drives me CRAZY!!

Lara said...

I was just bathing the baby tonight and realized that there is no more shampoo. And I just bought some last week. Darn kids.

Cami said...

That's ALMOST as bad as the day I walked into the bathroom to find my son rubbing liquid soap all over his face and arms! I said, "what are you doing?" He said, "this lotion smells Sooooooooooooo good!" I guess the smile on my face gave it away. He sniffed his arm, looked at me and said, "it IS lotion, right?" I instructed my "soon to be missionary son" to read the label a little closer. Of course he then got furious at ME because the word soap was so small! 'Cuz I designed the label you know! Lol!

Becky aka mom aka tata! said...

I wish it was just shampoo! I get mirror graffiti courtesy of the toothpaste. The shampoo AND conditioner got to make beautiful patterns together in the toilet bowl!

Brittney said...

Anything that can squirt, squeeze, drip or shoot out of something does in this house. Drives me insane! I can't even count the bottles of shampoo, tubes of toothpaste, cans of shaving cream, etc. that I've lost. Gotta love it!

Angi Snyder said...

Jana, I swear you are spying on my family and then blogging about it. Shampoo whisperer? Got one. The Christmas Tree fit? Had one. Drink thieves, faking sick, Zac Efron is really Troy? Check. Glad to see I'm not he only Mom out there going through this. Somehow though, it's only funny when YOUR kids do it. Oh, and about being The Meanest Mom? I was informed several times yesterday that the title belongs to me. I giggled everytime they said it thinking "oh, but there already is one, and she writes about her kids". I have a blog too, but my older kids can read it and would be "embarrassed" (just wait, someday you to will embarrass your children incessantly)if I publicly acknowledged all their shenanigans, such as my 7 year old charging his friends $1 to see him in his sisters tutu, or the woe's of my 10 year old son whom I embarrass apparently just by living. My friends find my blog amusing, but it is nothing compared to your standards. Thanks for sharing! BTW, has your daughter in kindergarten snuck her brand new mary janes into her backpack to change into at school after you informed her they were just for Sunday and that black patent leather mary janes were not appropriate footwear when there is 6 inches of snow? Ya. Just wait.

Twinlinebackers said...

Ah yes. I have second hand experience in seeing how much more effective an entire bottle of VO5 is as bubble bath than the little capful they get of the Lightning McQueen race car bottle. I was just thankful it was VO5 instead of Garnier. I'm sorry yours was expensive. And repeated.
Cold showers are my lifeline. My kids love them. I know because they ask for them a LOT.

emily said...

UGH, my kid does this with our aveeno baby soap and it makes me SO MAD. that stuff costs like $12 a bottle!

mom22 said...

we got your shampoo hero here in the midwest as well.... my daughter likes to wash her bros hair - I think maybe it's time for seperate baths.

melanie @ don't expect much said...

My boys would do the same thing! That's why they get the 99cent brand instead of the good stuff! I still haven't broken the girls from emptying out an entire bottle of Pantene to make the "bubbliest hot tub evah dahling!"

Shannon said...

my two oldest daughters are now teenagers and I accuse them of drinking shampoo and conditioner... maybe they are actually rescuing our hair products too!

Vanessa said...

I dont have children but I do have a roommate (which is like having a child) The problem is the hand soap in the bathroom. Instead of putting more hand soap in the dispenser she just adds water to make it go further. It drives my crazy! My hands dont get clean and I have to refill it myself. BTW it isnt even my bathroom.

MilesPerHour said...

Just visited your blog for the first time. You have some pretty funny stuff and the way you write makes t all the better.

Jenelle said...

oh this one hits home with me!
I thought i was the only one!

my daugthers are 7 & 11 & STILL do this when I get the childrens shampoo's (7 year old more so than the 11 year old.) They can't help themselves. i think it's all about the bubble factor.

I noticed that they like to use up the kids shampoo's in one bath session. ALWAYS! i think its the packaging it SCREAMS pour me! lather me! wash walls with me - come on it's fun! The monkey on the bottle says so!!!

I know better now not to buy kids shampoo's.

The "mommy" shampoo's actually stick around longer a bit now. This is after countless of brand new bottles have been sacrificed to the drain for many many years!:(

Melanie said...

oh YESSS! this is a regular ocurrance at my house. I dont know why they feel the need to empty a jumbo sized bottle of johnsons baby wash into the tub then complain they cant get all the shampoo out of their hair... WELL DUH!
(massive eye rolling and huge sigh) "what did you DO?!" marching back to the bathroom to discover that the 2 inches of water has about 3 feet of bubbles on top... yeah fun times.