House Pictures

Last week, my realtor Candy sent over a professional photographer to take pictures of my house for the Internet.

"I use a wide-angle lens to make the rooms look enormous," the man told me proudly as he set up his tripod in my kitchen.

I immediately began to wonder what I would look like if I was the size of a Brontosaurus.

"Do you take family photos?" I asked.

Sadly, the photographer takes pictures only of houses...and the occasional swimming pool and office building.

"My photographs aim to highlight the most flattering and desirable aspects of the home seller's property," the man bragged as he snapped away.

I followed the photographer around my house and yard, taking careful notes.

I don't have the proofs back yet, but here are some shots that I hope make the cut:

The Virgin Mary and friends
Location: my next door neighbor's front yard

Close-up of Christ's outstretched hands, filled with living waters

Decorative garden planter made out of plastic leg cast
Location: my next door neighbor's back yard

Rear Neighbors' underwear
Neighbor's estimated bra size: 34 B

I will be surprised if we get anything less than top dollar for our house.