The Sobriety Test

When I woke up this morning, I did not plan my day around spending five hours in a run down strip mall.

But that's what happened when I got new tires for my car.

Within minutes, it became apparent that I wasn't going to leave the tire store without spending less than $500. In addition to new front tires, I also needed new front and rear brake pads.

Our stay in the tire store's waiting room was brief. My two year-old helped himself to a cup of water from the cooler in the corner. When I attempted to help him drink it, he got mad and dumped the cup on my head.

"Hee hee!" My older three kids very much enjoyed seeing their mother drenched in ice water. Their mother was less pleased.

We spent the next two hours perusing K-Mart. We spent the bulk of our time in the candy aisle. Fantasizing.

My two year-0ld turned everyone's dreams into reality by ripping open a jumbo bag of gummy bears in the middle of the aisle. My older kids descended on the spilled treats like rabid hyenas.

After purchasing what was left of the candy, I walked the hyenas to an abandoned corner of the parking lot. There we played every game known to man. And, when desperation hit, even a couple that I made up.

No one questioned me when I asked them to walk in a straight line with their arms outstretched.

My daughter thought that it was a little weird when I asked to smell her breath.

"Why are we doing this?" she wanted to know. She also wanted to know why I was giggling to myself.

"You passed," I told her without explaining. "Congrats."

Kellen was up next. He tripped over himself and fell on the ground. "This game is fun!" he chirped.

I sent him to jail.