The Body Shop Mother's Day Giveaway

I'm thrilled to announce that The Body Shop is teaming up with the Meanest Mom to offer another exciting Mother's Day Giveaway!

I'm not a fan of jumping through hoops for a chance to win prizes, but this one is painless...and if you like personality quizzes, even (gasp) fun.

The ladies at The Body Shop have put together a little quiz to help you determine what kind of mom you are. There are only 8 questions, none of which ask you for your credit card number, login name or password, or blood type. The quiz only takes one minute to complete if you are by yourself at the computer, 30 seconds if a small child is screaming in your face.

At the end of the quiz, you'll be told what "type" of mom you are: Earth Mother, Supermom, Glamour Mom, or Wise Woman. Sadly, a Mean Mom is not one of the options (I pushed for its inclusion, but for some odd reason there was a concern that some women may not like being labeled a mean mom). Hmph!!! Anyway, report your results (ie. tell me what kind of mom you are) in the comments section of this post and you'll be entered to win a BODY SHOP MOTHER'S DAY BEAUTY PACKAGE (featuring products specifically designed for your mom type) worth over $100!!!

TO TAKE THE QUIZ, CLICK HERE.


Have you ever been into The Body Shop? Like the grocery store, you shouldn't go shopping there when you are hungry. Just because something smells good enough to eat doesn't make it edible. This word of wisdom comes from my son Cortlen, who once mistook a tub of strawberry-scented body butter for a cup of yogurt.

One entry per person please. Contest ends Saturday, May 2 at midnight EST. The winner will be announced the following day.

Good Luck! Thanks Body Shop!

This One is For the Diseased

Spring does not look kindly upon those with autoimmune diseases. Perhaps it is because of the changing seasons, or maybe it's because of the finicky weather, but for whatever reason, the spring months usually bring with them a host of aches and pains that for many, including myself, settle in the bones and joints.

I've been waking up stiff and sore for months now. One morning last week, I woke up to find that I couldn't open my left hand.

"Look!" I said, jabbing my husband with my new club.
"That's very impressive," he said and put the pillow over his head.

Getting the kids ready for school proved to be a challenge. Everyone poured their own cereal which resulted in a volcano of Honeycomb the size of Mount St. Helens.

"That's enough!" I yelled and swatted the box of cereal out of my son's hands with such force that its contents sprayed across the kitchen floor.

There are certain advantages to having one's hand curled permanently into a claw.

After breakfast, I called my next door neighbor Sandy, who has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and a hot tub that I covet. When she didn't pick up the phone, I sauntered over to her house and pounded on her door. To preserve my status as the most sickly neighbor, it was imperative that she see my claw.

"I know you're in there!" I called. No answer.

It was lunchtime before Sandy made an appearance. I practically tripped over myself running outside to greet her.

"Where were you this morning?" I wanted to know.

That's when Sandy told me that her knees were so stiff that her husband had to lift her out of bed. Later in the morning, she got on the toilet only to find that she couldn't get herself off of it.

After hearing about Sandy's morning, I put away my claw and slouched back home, defeated.

How, after all, am I supposed to compete with that?

***
To my fellow diseased readers: I hope you're hanging in there. Summer is almost here.!

Those Balls Are Not For Kicking

Forget the Resurrection and where babies come from, one of the hardest concepts for my kids (6yo girl and 5yo twin boys) to grasp is why their favorite clothing store sells soccer balls…and why they aren’t allowed to play with them.

“Don’t even think about it!” I barked as Twin A reached into one of several large ball bins that were scattered around the store (which shall remain nameless, but by way of a clue, shares its name with a branch of the U.S. Military).

“If the balls are here, why can’t we touch them?” my son wanted to know. This was in fact a good question, but not one for a mother to answer, but a store manager.

My sons exercised considerable self-restraint and managed to keep their hands off of the balls located next to the rack of toddler cargo shorts, as well as the ones piled next to an impressive stack of women’s panties. By the time we made our way to the front of the store—where an even bigger bin of balls awaited us—my threats and warnings had begun to wear thin. While I paid for my purchases, one of my boys played limbo under the checkout ropes. The other twin decided that it was just as good of time as any to practice his field goal kicks.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the ball whiz over my head and across the storefront. The ball made a perfect arch over the display of women’s tank tops, meeting resistance only when it reached a plastic mannequin wearing sunglasses and carrying a floral beach tote. As the mannequin and the table of beach-themed t-shirts she was pointing to toppled to the ground with a loud thud, my son yelled, “SCORE!”

I opened my mouth to say something meaningful, if not apologetic, but strangely, nothing came out. As it turned out, the store manager had more than enough to say for both of us.

“Little boy!” she screeched. “Those balls are not for kicking!”

I saw the woman’s point, but suddenly, for the first time, also my son’s. In a rare moment of generosity, I sided with my offspring. Turning to the manager, I found my words.

“What exactly are they for then?” I asked.

LUCKY DUCKIES: Giveaway Winners

The results are in.

What I like about random number generators: makes things fair.

What I don't like about random number generators: makes me count higher than I feel comfortable (I'm math challenged for those of you who don't know).

The lucky winners of the Mother's Day Giveaway are (drumroll please):

* The BIG BUDDHA TOTE from FlirtyFinds goes to Julie from CA who said, "Boy, if I win this, I'm playing my state lotto. I'd say the odds are about the same :-)."

Julie: if you win the lotto, I so get half. Congrats.

Get 15% off your order through May 10 by using the promo code "flirtymeanmom"






* The $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE to Babysteals.com is headed into the hot little hands of Melanie from AZ who wrote, "It would be great to get something, rather than give, for a change. I'm in too!"



* The "NO WHINING PENDANT" from À la mode goes to Kirsty who wrote, "Drooling..Want. By the way, you consistently kill me, I mean that in a good way."




* The designer GUCCI-INSPIRED BABY WIPES CASE from Mod Mami goes to The Osborns from IL who said, "Love the swag you're giving away, but love your blog even more! Thanks for all the laughs!"




* The $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE to FeltBoardStories.com goes to Amy Allen, a mom o' six, maybe more if her blog is out of date. She wrote, "I'm cautiously optimistic that if all the stars align and there is some cosmic disturbance that I may possible, potentially have a shot at maybe winning something. Here's to hoping."

Girl, if you've got 6 kiddos, you're gonna need this felt board. I'm so glad you won.

* 1 SET OF THREE 12" CHALKBOARD VINYL CIRCLES from Scribble It

goes to LaNe aNd GiNa of CA who said, "I love, love, love your blog! I found it one sleepless night and found myself laughing out loud hysterically at 4:00am!! Thank you for the many laughs!!"

* The MOTHER'S DAY ACTIVITY BOOK SET from Usborne Books goes to goes to Shannenetamp; Makena who wrote, "OMG such cute stuff! Please count me in, I could use most of those things! I LOVE that you do these giveaways, thank you to the donors, that is so sweet!"
Visit Usborne's site every month for more chances to win $50 worth of free books!
.

* The NAME MEANING SIGN from Farmhouse Five is headed to Lady of Perpetual Chaos who said, "I would love to win...I need a little retail love this Mother's Day. And free retail love is the best kind."

* The Custom-Made Mother's Bracelet from Landslide Jewelry

is on its way to Patrice of Woodbury, TN who wrote "Pick me, pick me!!"

* The $50 gift certificate to Cutie and Patootie goes to I'm Just the Mom who said, "I WANT IN!!!!! I'm crossing everything that I can cross."

Don't strain yourself!

* The DUCK BEACH DRESS from Shabby Apple goes to Lindsey S. from Baton Rouge, Louisiana who wrote, "I'm in!! I'd love to win! Your blogs are HI-larious! Keep 'em coming!"

It appears from your blog that you recently gave birth to twins. Double hot mama!

Thanks again to all my wonderful sponsors. You guys rock.

Winners: please email me your contact info (ie mailing address) pronto so my fabulous sponsors can get your loot to you in a timely fashion. PLEASE help me out by putting what you won in the subject line.

To the rest of you: Holy Moly! The response to this giveaway was amazing... so amazing in fact that several other companies have contacted me over the past week wanting to be part of another Mother's Day Giveaway on The Meanest Mom. It's going to be a fun 2 weeks!

M-Day only comes around once a year, so here's what we're going to do: from NOW through this Tuesday night (April 28), I'm going to take nominations for a special giveaway. I'm looking for moms/women who are having a little bit of a rough time right now and need a little e-hug. If you are such a woman or know one, comment on this post or send me an email (subject line "special mom contest"). Next week, I'll spotlight a different woman every day and give her some great prizes from some incredible sponsors. Remember: Mother's Day is a celebration of ALL women; you don't have to have children to apply or be nominated for this contest. By virtue of our femininity, we are all mothers!

If you want to sponsor something for this special giveaway, there is still time! Contact me here!

Definitely Smarter than an Eighth Grader

Despite the endless rain, I couldn't wait another day to see if my national monuments were still intact, or if they were desecrated by eighth graders. We strolled up to Independence Hall just as a tour guide was leading a group of what appeared to be more eighth graders into an antechamber where they would be treated to a ten-minute lecture about the founding fathers.

During the lecture, my children busied themselves digging through the dark cavities of my purse in search of a rogue breath mint or piece of gum. They took a break from their treasure hunting only long enough to answer the tour guide's questions.

"Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
If any of the eighth graders knew the answer, it wouldn't have mattered. Three hands shot up before the tour guide got to the second word.

"Thomas Jefferson!" screamed Cortlen when called upon.


"Who helped Jefferson write the Declaration of Independence?"

Kellen and Camber waved their arms so wildly that they practically fell out of their chairs. "John Adams! Benjamin Franklin!" they barked in quick succession.

The eighth graders' teacher stopped me on our way out of the building. "Your children's knowledge of American history is very impressive," she told me.

"That's because they are all geniuses," I said. I failed to add that my children have heard the same lecture no less than twenty-seven times.

As if to prove my point to someone, if not myself, I rephrased the tour guide's questions to them on the drive home.

"So who is Thomas Jefferson again?" I asked.

"The first baseman for the Phillies," answered Cortlen matter-of-factly.

"That's what I thought," I replied.

***
Just a reminder: TOMORROW is the last day to register for the MOTHER'S DAY GIVEAWAY! C'mon! What do you have to lose? Nothing that your kids haven't taken from you already!!!

Summer Fling

Should my husband decide to ever up and leave me, I take great comfort in knowing that despite my advancing age, I'm still desirable in the eyes of certain members of the opposite sex; namely, men who are in their late forties and aren't playing with a full deck.

My list of current suitors include:
1. Rodney, the supervising manager of Chipotle. On Saturday, he gave me an extra scoop of chicken after I complimented him on his handsome Southwestern-themed bollo tie.

2. Jed, the cart collector at Costco. Despite not being absolutely sure which state houses the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he is a die-hard Tarheel fan. The last time I saw him, he shouted pleasantries about my alma mater across the parking lot. Plagued with instant remorse for cursing out a faithful customer, Jed then proceeded to abandon his collection of shopping carts and chase me down before I got to the front door. After apologizing, he offered to buy me an all-beef hot dog or slice of pizza (my choice!) from the food court.

3. Dominic, the butcher at the Italian deli. Reaching almost to my shoulder blades, Dominic is the tallest of my potential boyfriends and also the one most obsessed with my fertility. Using adjectives typically reserved for the animal products with which he works, I have overheard him describe me more than once as "good breeding stock" to his co-workers.

When I didn't see Dominic for six weeks, I thought that he had been fired or took a job with the neighborhood slaughterhouse. I was about ready to look for a new beau when out of nowhere Dominic suddenly reappeared.

"You've probably been wondering where I've been," Dominic said, as he sliced my turkey. I really didn't want to know where Dominic spends his time outside the deli, but he felt compelled to tell me--and the long line of customers standing behind me--anyway.

"I was in jail," he said, giggling. "Now I'm on house arrest. I'm allowed to go to work and that's it."
"Where were you at?" asked the man standing behind me. After comparing notes, the two men figured out that they had an incarcerated friend in common.

Before handing me my bag of sliced turkey, Dominic told me that he had been arrested for a DUI. He described his arrest, his court date, and his jail term as if they were rides at an amusement park. He ended his tale with a flattering proposal. "If you want to go on a date with me," he said with a knowing wink, "You'll have to drive because my license is revoked...again!"

I turned down the invitation on the grounds that next to mass murderers, drunk drivers are my least favorite group of people.

When I returned home, I crossed Dominic's name off my "Summer Fling" list.

"Down one already?" my husband observed with a wry smile.

I was in no mood for his mockery. After my husband left the room, I began mourning my loss.

A good man is hard to find.

Apology Accepted

Yesterday, Camber told me that she absolutely did NOT chase her brother around the backyard with a garden rake when in fact I watched her do it through the back window.

I responded to the lie by telling my daughter that spending a few minutes in the quiet solitude of one's bedroom usually helps one remember the difference between fiction and reality.

A few minutes later, I found an apology note (written on toilet paper) and two peace offerings on my desk; a plastic poodle and an assortment of coins which my daughter had retrieved from my wallet.



"Apology accepted," I told the offender and leaned in for a hug.

"Good!" she snapped. "Now give me my dog back."

***
What's the craziest/funniest way that your child has apologized?

MOTHER'S DAY GIVEAWAY

I see Mother's Day as a celebration of ALL WOMEN and the inherent qualities that make each of us special and wonderful people in the lives of others. This giveaway is in honor of YOU! Get your "post comment" buttons ready because here's what you could win:

* A super stylish BIG BUDDHA TOTE from FlirtyFinds. If your current purse A) is a diaper bag B) was purchased at a Hallmark store or C) is machine washable, it's time to consider a change. There's a lot to like about the Big Buddha (faux croc design, comfy straps, huge storage capacity), but I'm not sure about one thing: does a black tote like this complement or clash with brown sweatpants?

Get 15% off your order through May 10 by using the promo code "flirtymeanmom"




* A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE to Babysteals.com.
Babysteals.com is like the mall on Black Friday...only every day! The company offers one deeply discounted baby bargain each morning. When the e-doors open at 9am Mountain Time, the stampede begins. It pays to be an early bird: you can score some really cool stuff for really cheap.

Exhibit A:


* The ultimate "NO WHINING PENDANT" from À la mode. Guaranteed to ward off two-year-olds, tweens, and new college graduates with no jobs for at least five minutes (long enough to make your escape). Be sure to check out this shop's extensive collection of other hilarious (and wearable) mom-isms!




* A designer GUCCI-INSPIRED BABY WIPES CASE from Mod Mami. This sassy little number holds several hundred wipes or an equivalent number of Taco Bell sauce packets equally well. Pick your pleasure...and your priorities!




* A $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE to FeltBoardStories.com.
"What?!" you say, confused and slightly annoyed. "Felt boards aren't gifts for moms."

After thirty minutes of uninterrupted peace and quiet, you will so change your mind.



* 1 SET OF THREE 12" CHALKBOARD VINYL CIRCLES from Scribble It. These handy little circles are perfect for shopping lists or documenting the number of times each day that you open the freezer door hoping that a quart of ice cream will magically appear. My count from yesterday: 17.

* A MOTHER'S DAY ACTIVITY BOOK SET from Usborne Books valued at $53.00! Although not as educational as Playstation 2, books nevertheless make good gifts.

Caution: Some of these books contain bad words (i.e. 'project,' 'recipe,' and 'craft') so read at your own risk.
Visit Usborne's site every month for more chances to win $50 worth of free books!
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* A darling NAME MEANING SIGN from Farmhouse Five. These signs use one of my favorite things (adjectives!!!) to describe your loved one. They are perfect for your kids' rooms...or also as a gift for grandma. Let your kids pick out the words to describe her and cross your fingers that they don't choose G(rumpy) & R(ound) AN.

*A gorgeous Custom-Made Mother's Bracelet from Landslide Jewelry. Most moms would choose colored beads that correspond to their kids' birthday months. A select few mothers, however, will request that their bracelets be filled with all blue beads in honor of September, the month when school starts up again.



* A $50 gift certificate to Cutie and Patootie. Your one-stop destination for edgy and funky clothes for babies AND big kids. Featured in Baby Couture and Pregnancy and Newborn magazines, this shop is lace and frill-free. Me likey.


* The DUCK BEACH DRESS from Shabby Apple. Can you say hot mom?! This dress will definitely bring the sexy back into your wardrobe. Worried that your jean rompers will sabotage your attempt to look hot? Shop at Shabby Apple with no fear: most of their dresses (including this one) "fit generously," which is polite for "hides chub." I think I'm in love.

BTW: Have you seen Shabby Apple's girls line? I can't believe mothers let their daughters go out looking like that. What has the world come to?!



Stop salivating long enough to read the instructions!

To register for this giveaway, all you have to do is comment on this post!
If you don't have and don't want a Blogger Account but still want "in," post a comment anonymously and leave your name/alias and email address.

Do you want an extra entry? Share the wealth! Write a post/p.s./footnote on your blog about this giveaway. Make sure to link back and you can go leave another comment!

The contest starts NOW and ends THIS FRIDAY, APRIL 24 AT 11:59PM EST. Eleven lucky winners will be chosen at random and announced shortly after the contest ends.

Good luck!

***
This giveaway is made possible by an amazing group of sponsors. If you want to join the fun next time around, contact me here!